Smoke Signals

Some stories are worth reposting. I'll take another dose of laughter at Bella's expense.

Do you have one of those friends who will come for lunch to help you get rid of left-overs? I love that. Nothing fancy, just two friends enjoying a simple meal, some good laughs, and great conversation.

I have a few great friends who would join me for a meal of left-overs. The one I have in the town I'm now living in, is Susan. She's a whole lot of fun, and is the kind of friend that doesn't care if your house is in shambles, and you greet her at the door in your sweats, no make-up... basically looking like something the cat dragged in. Everyone needs a friend like that. Those friends of mine, you know who you are... God bless you!

Well, it was twenty minutes before Susan was to arrive, and I was doing some last-minute preparations. Candles were lit in the window which opens the kitchen to the living room. Love candles. Even the simplest of occasions calls for candles! I happened to look over to that same window, and to my surprise, I saw smoke billowing from my counter-top to my ceiling!! Are you ever amazed at how many thoughts rush through your mind in an instant? I actually reminded myself that no, it could not be the lunch I had on the stove, because my stove is on the other end of my kitchen! I stood there and looked at our cat, Bella. She had a look on her face as if she was saying, "What? What'd I do? Why are you looking at me like that?" It was in that moment that I realized that the smoke was coming from Bella! When she came through the window, her tail caught on fire! Okay, let me tell you, that you would be amazed at two things: 1. How much smoke can come from burned cat fur. 2. How incredibly horrid burned cat fur smells!

Well, great. Twenty minutes until lunch, and my house now smells like burned cat fur. Ugh! I quickly opened windows, and got the Febreze out. Did I mention that I threw the cat out? Let her send smoke signals outside! (Don't worry... I made sure I completely extinguished her tail first.)

Susan arrived. No lie... she said, "Wow it smells good in here. It smells like a hair salon!"

Windows

In all my gracefulness,

I tripped and lunged forward

right in front of the Assistant Principal's office.

He has windows.

Big windows.

I hope he enjoyed the show.

Good Day, Picasso!

I need you to close your eyes for a moment. Close your eyes and picture this...

• rainbow striped tights
• purple corduroy skirt with embroidered flower
• pink and green cotton shirt covered with little strawberries
• salmon and turquoise striped sweater
• old tennis shoes

Add these altogether, and put them all on an adorable, little six year-old girl.

Now, had this been my first child, I would never have let her go to school dressed like that. She was, after all, a reflection of my abilities as a mother! What would this say to her teacher? What would people think? They might think she was a poor orphan in the morning with nobody to take care of her! (I know... It's a stretch, but what if?)

This little girl happens to be my fourth child. I have actually acquired some bits of wisdom through the years, thankfully!

My reaction to this colorful concoction?

1. Take her picture before she heads out the door for school.

2. Say with a huge smile on my face, "Have a great day.... Picasso!"

Honestly, she looked like a walking Picasso painting!

Starting Over

Jack: You put your calendar on January?
Brynn: Yeah, I know. I'm starting over. I didn't want to wait so long, so I just put it on January.

Maybe she's onto something... I think I'll put mine BACK to January. I need more time!! :)

Dinner Serenade

So, in the middle of dinner, I belted out, "I am, I said," along with Neil Diamond. I really gave it gusto... Used motions and all.

My kids didn't even flinch.

They just kept on eating and talking.

They didn't even acknowledge that it was a bit awkward.

That's kind of funny.

(I guess they're used to their mom making a fool of herself... That's a good thing.)

Mocking Me...

For those of you who have been following my blog, you are fully aware of my love of bubble baths. The ultimate relaxation... a wonderful indulgence.... a treat for a worn out woman. So, you are also aware that I have been without a tub faucet for more than a couple of years. (And yet, my husband still lives.) So, I am thrilled to announce that I have purchased a beautiful faucet, spectacular faucet! Unfortunately, my husband was unable to install it...

And so it sits....

In the box...

Mocking me.

Achoo!

Jack just informed me that he fit everything into his backpack, except for the sneeze box. I am doubtful that I'll ever be able to call it a box of Kleenex, again.

Jack.

Jack just put his toy handcuffs on.

Jack just remembered the key is in Grandma's car.

Jack is crying.

...Jack is free!

"Thank you, Mom!!"

(I'll take off my super-hero cape now.)

Actually, my niece, Jami, said, "You never take it off when you become a mom, it just gets really worn out."

I think she's right.

The Rooster

My seven year-old son seems to think that suddenly, after all of these years of being my son, living in my house, obeying my rules, he now rules the roost.

I am plucking his feathers.

If You Give Lisa a Cocktail

I foolishly decided to try the Cabbage Soup Diet last weekend. I know, I know... fad diets never work. My thinking was that at least I'd be eating fresh fruit and veggies. That would be a huge step up from how I had been eating. Well, the second day of my diet, my friend, Suzee, invited me over for a cocktail. Hmmm... no kids at the moment... a cocktail with friends... SURE!

Have you ever read the book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? You have? Great. Here's my version:

If You Give Lisa a Cocktail

If you give Lisa a cocktail, chances are she's going to want another. So, she'll enjoy the Bloody Mary, thinking it was a wise choice since it was full of the good stuff veggies are made of, and head for home. She will then want a nice cold beer as a chaser.

If she has a nice cold beer as a chaser, she will probably want something salty. So, she will have to make her favorite snack, popcorn, to go with it. Mmmmm....

Once she has satisfied her craving for something salty, she will definitely want something sweet. Knowing there is chocolate fudge cake in the refrigerator, she will mosey on in... with a fork!

So, as you can see, if you give Lisa a cocktail, her diet will be in shambles before you know it! (By the way... Made it to day 5, except for the weak moment described above, and felt so horrible, I quit! No energy, light headed... Enough!)

Cocktails, anyone?

Just Call Me, Esther

I... am a tub girl. There is nothing like a hot bath at the end of a stress-filled day. There is nothing like a hot bath when you're chilled to the bone. There is nothing like a hot bath, surrounded by candle light, bath goodies, flowers, chocolates, great music, and wine. My bathtub is my sanctuary... my little corner of the world where I can escape and become Queen Esther. (Don't know who she is? You, my friend, are missing out on one of the greatest stories, ever. Check her out... She has her very own book! Look up the book of Esther in the Bible. You will enjoy the story. I promise.)

So, back to my sanctuary. It's under construction. No... that isn't totally correct. My dear husband tried to fix my faucet... OVER A YEAR AGO. He broke it, which in all honesty wasn't a huge surprise. He is a handy man, but I must admit, if the kids ever need something fixed, and they come to Dad saying, "Hey, Dad can you fix..." "Nnnnnoooooo!!!!!," I cry. (Just picture me in slow motion, running to grab the toy out of their hands.) I have known my husband long enough to know that in the noble effort to fix something, nine out of ten times, it will break.

Once again, back to my sanctuary. I have now gone for TWO LONG WINTERS without my bathtub! How, on Earth, have I coped, you ask? Honestly, I have no idea. Now that I think about it, my sanity has been a bit shaky. I have been on edge a bit more than usual. Blame it on the faucet... the LACK of faucet... the lack of retreating to my sanctuary. I am now going to break the long held rule that all women must adhere to. You know... the "Never ask for anything practical for your birthday, Valentines, Christmas, or any other holiday, rule." I'm sorry ladies, but I am in dire need of a bathtub faucet, and am willing to actually ask for one as a gift. Let me fill you in on just how desperate I am.

Today, my two little ones and I filled the tub. It hadn't been filled in over a year. Yes, we filled it... with a cooking pot and cups!!! Is that enough desperation to justify breaking the practical gift rule? I believe so.

I loved every second of my bubble bath, and am now WARM, relaxed, and feeling like a queen.

You, my friend, can call me, Esther.

A Little Lost

Saturday morning errands...

Brynn had a birthday party to go to, and of course we were at the store 15 minutes before the party, buying the present. Nothing like last minute! Rushing to the car, I quickly unlocked it with my handy, dandy remote. "Quick, Get in, get in, get in." We had 5 minutes to get there... Sure, we can make it!

"Jack!, Don't do that! You'll scratch the car!" Why do kids always like to draw in the winter salt that has turned all vehicles white this time of year?! Sigh... "Quick! Hop in!"

As I am getting in the car, my mind ponders... "We have gray interior, don't we?" Although, this interior does look familiar." (Our previous vehicle had tan interior.)

Hanging from the rear view mirror is a picture of a woman... TOPLESS.

"I definitely don't have one of those!!!"

"QUICK, KIDS... GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!"

And there you have it, folks. Our Suburban was three spots down.

Brynn gets out of the stranger's SUV and says, "I was wondering where my car seat was."

As my friend, Thelma, says, "Who needs T.V. when we have you, Lisa?"

What can I say? Life is never dull!

It's That Time of Year...

It's that time of year again... Time for the school Christmas concerts and programs. (I refuse to refer to them as Winter Concerts. Christmas is alive and well, and I'm not giving in to the political correctness of shunning my Savior!)

So, as the concert week began, I suddenly paused long enough to realize that I have not one, not two, or even three, but FOUR concerts this year. What's that? Did I hear a gasp? Those of you who have sat through screeching clarinets and violins will sympathize. Before you put me on the ballot for worst mom of the year for even thinking this way, please hear me out.

As I was envisioning four concerts squeezed into a busy work week, something suddenly dawned on me. Kings and Queens would hire musicians and court jesters to entertain them. Hmmm.... Think about it. I have three evenings and one afternoon of musicians, along with some court jesters thrown in, especially in the Kindergarten and first grade musical troupes, whom have spent hours and hours preparing their concerts for the Court.

I am honored,

for I am the

Queen

in this scenario.

Thank you, my dear musicians. Your entertainment blesses my soul, and helps us all to take a moment to sit back, to breathe, and to relish the joyful noise that is played and sung for the Savior's birth.

One more thing...

Long live the Queen!

Just Laughing at Myself... AGAIN

You know you've had quite a few kids, when your tampon falls out while teaching aerobics.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Okay, so I was really glad I chose the exercise pants with the drawstring just below the knees...

Holds in whatever may fall.

(Isn't it pathetic, the things I will divulge for the sake of a few laughs?)

A Time to Laugh

So, I left my umbrella in the Crystal Ball Room at the Milwaukee Hyatt today, and didn't realize it until my group was leaving the Convention Center. I went off running while they went to the car. The plan was to pick me up at the Hyatt, so I had better hurry. I looked outside, and could not see the Hilton, so I decided to ask directions right away instead of wandering aimlessly. I went up to a policeman, who happened to be standing in the entrance of the Convention Center. "Sir, could you please tell me which one of these buildings is the Hyatt?" He stood there with his arms crossed, and didn't answer. So I got a little closer, and a little louder. "Sir, would you please tell me which one..." "Wait a second... He's not even flinching," I thought to myself.

Yeah... The most realistic mannequin I have ever seen.


Did I mention there were plenty of people witnessing this? If that wasn't bad enough, I laughed all the way down the street... by myself.

WhatWas I Thinking?

Picture a 5th Grade Classroom. Now, I will fill in the actual dialog:

Myah: "Mrs. Johnson, why do you dress up every day? You always match. Why do you dress up every day?"

Mrs. Johnson (That would be me.): "Because I'm a professional."

Cody, with a very puzzled look on his face: "Mrs. Johnson, you're not a professional, you're a teacher!"

Silly me... What was I thinking?!

These Character Traits Look Familiar...

I am experiencing my mother's revenge...

I have not one, but THREE out of four children who are just as stubborn as I am, and just as outspoken, not to mention ALWAYS having to have the last word!! This, I cannot blame on my husband's genes; it's all me, and these genes fit me like a glove.

I'm sure, without a doubt, that my mom is laughing herself to sleep each night, relishing in the sweet revenge of her daughter having children JUST LIKE HER!

My satisfaction? The hope of my children having kids that are just like them!

A few moments later after the guilt of what I had typed started to seep in...

I dearly love my children, and am incredibly thankful for them. I'm just having a severe case of crabbiness, and cannot seem to shake it. I have one nerve left, and you know the story.... Everyone is on it!

Okay, now that I have gotten that off of my chest, I can honestly say that I DO hope they have kids just like them... Brave, honest, fun, thoughtful, generous, sweet, lovable, kind, funny... And the list goes on. I know that the stubbornness, outspokenness, and boldness will help them get through life if they channel those qualities towards what is right, true, and good. I just happen to be the one with the file, filing the rough edges. It's a tough job, but I guess God thinks I have what it takes to get the job done.

How about you? What tough jobs does God think you are qualified for? Whatever it is, do it well, fully knowing that He has given you the tools you need. Really, He will... Check your toolbox; everything you'll need is in there.

Scale Smashing

I'm hoping some of you out there decided to join me in the Dare Chair. I am quite surprised to tell you that I am now actually quite comfortable in that scary chair! I am on the exhausting path heading to success. Joining the fitness club was one of the best things I have ever done; the treadmill is now my buddy, challenging me to conquer new heights.

Some of you may be wondering how the whole foods thing is going with my family... Shockingly, good! I have them eating nuts, fruit, fish, and combinations of food that are quite adventurous. They're even surprising themselves at what they are liking! Things like bulgar wheat, couscous, almond butter, and quinoa are now a part of our vocabulary... Who'd have thought?!

As for the evil scale... I have a love-hate relationship with it. At first, I loved it. However, I am now wondering if it is stuck. That could happen, couldn't it? I was ready to throw it out the window since it would not budge, despite two weeks of faithfulness to my healthy eating habits, and 6 days a week of one-hour workouts! How on earth could it just stay put? UGH! I could hear it laughing its' evil little laugh at me.

I decided to take out the pants. You know... the pants that USED to fit. I was doubtful that I could even get them over my hips. That evil scale was putting all sorts of doubt in my mind. Well, I am now the one laughing. Not only could I get the pants over my hips, but I could zip and button them, too!! (Can you see me dancing the "Woo Hoo Dance"?) I can't wear the pants in public yet, but there is now a renewed sense of hope!! So, take THAT, darn scale!!

Remember hearing about the bra burning back in the 1960's? Maybe I should start a scale smashing!!

I'm Back!!

I am alive, and well, and living among the teachers enjoying summer vacation. I am grateful to all of you loyal readers who kept checking to see something new, only to find that I had abandoned my blogging post. I am sorry; truly, I am. You see, I seemed to have had my creativity and energy sucked out of me once I hit the big time... my own 5th grade classroom. Yikes! My schedule left me spinning! Okay, spinning, and eating my way through stress. Do you remember the "Freshman 15?" Yeah, well I guess you can call me the freshman/newbie at school. I ended the year with most of my marbles... hopefully my best, and most colorful marbles... but unfortunately, I also ended the year with an extra 15 pounds! Is that humanly possible? Geeze, Louise... I MUST find a better way to cope with stress!!! Now that I have my first year back in the classroom under my belt, (my belt that BARELY FITS anymore!) I am hopeful that next year will be a little calmer.

I guess my next step is to plant my not so tiny tush into that DARE CHAIR and get rid of this freshman 15. My plans? I'm joining a fitness club, and am stocking the fridge and cupboards with whole foods. Less packaged foods; that should help! I borrowed many books from the library, and am on my way to being a do-it-yourself nutritionist! My kids are scared to death.

"Sure, pineapple tastes like candy, Mom!" "Not in MY world," they say! "Adventure", I tell them... "Send your taste buds on an adventure! " I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, is there anyone who would like to join me in the DARE CHAIR? I'm sure my booty will take up the whole chair, but you can sit on my lap!

Beware of the Doghouse

Here's a

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that will put a smile

on your face.

(Click on "brilliant commercial.")